It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
