Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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