Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
