I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
