I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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