Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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