So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
These tits shall not be calmed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
