you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
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