I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
