I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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