he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
