All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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