On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
