She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
