Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
