I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
