please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
