farters have to be the big spoon...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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