First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
