Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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