I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
