Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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