Michael Bay diarrhea
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
