The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
