Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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