We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
