Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
