just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
