God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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