Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
