are you still at the devil's house?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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