you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
