You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
