After last night, I could never be a politician.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
