Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
