Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
