tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
operation have a gay friend backfired
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
