I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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