the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
