I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
