Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
