After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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