i was born a porn star she said
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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