it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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