Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
