She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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