OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
