thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
