If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
