My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
