I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
