oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
